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Pill Addiction Support
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Date:2013-07-19 13:42
Subject:Looking for an active recovery community?

Well, I can't help but notice there isn't a lot of activity here at the moment... plus, it's not in the rules that advertising other related communities is not welcome. So, I'd like to invite anybody out there interested to join the below two communities brimming with love and recovery... Thank-you.

harm_reduction --> A place for people suffering, or in recovery.
addme_addict --> For anybody seeking fellow addicts... Or new recovery connections.

Feel free to join, you're most welcome.

Love & harm reduction,
Opi. xx

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Date:2012-01-05 08:52

My little addicted (in recovery) brain has been running on overdrive for two days.  

Spin, spin, think, think, worry, worry.

Funny only because all is really well.

ARRGGH! Drives me nuts.

That is all.

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Date:2010-06-12 13:34
Subject:putting the pieces together

well sorry haven't posted in a while i have been enjoying the weather and some fun new things i have found to do around here. when i got of yesterday i decided i was going to spend the whole weekend on my boat and just enjoy the summer and sun. i loaded up a couple coolers full of beer stocked up my pill bottle hooked up the boat and off i went. now i am out here lovin life right now nice and high knocking back a couple of cold ones and probably gonna just start pulling up to shore or wherever and see if i can add a hot little piece of ass to have some fun with me. im sure there is someone out there that would really enjoy sharing this time with me got plent of beer, pills, and of course dick to offer. lol
found some good local bands here lately from some people at work and even from someone on here. i went and saw one this week for the second time and it was good times i am really starting to get in the groove around here its kind of nice but scary at the same time because i told myself that i wouldnt let myself go straght back into this lifestyle but dam its who i am and i enjoy it way to much to just give up on it.
now the bad news i realized this week that i pushed the ex to far and tried to hard to get what i wanted from her and when i wanted it that i think i finally lost her. which i guess it was kinda what i wanted i mean i left her but kept her around because i knew i could and she would do it all for me but i think i finally went to far and now she wont speak to me or anything and it had made me kind of realize how great she was to me but at the same time we were going different ways but i am starting to wonder now if i should have just stayed with her and still kind of do what i want to just to have her in my life and the things she does for me it would kind of be nice to keep that around but is it really worth it part of me says yeah it really is because she will do everything for me and makes me happy sort of just we dont want the same things anymore then i think why should i when i can just do what i want without the stress i dont know i will figure it out i hope trying no to think to hard about it this weekend just want to enjoy my time out here on the river for the rest of the day then probably gonna go somewhere and watch the fight tonight it should really be good times
well let me get back to my cooler and my satchel of pills should be on again sometime soon to post some more and fill everyone in
staying high in the sun good times await

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Date:2010-05-27 03:02
Subject:high and alone again
Mood: horny

well I am high as hell sittin in my house all by myself hearing wonderful noises that have me paranoid as hell but i know that i can beat them if they come after me so what do i have to worry about. i am so horny right now though and doesnt matter what i do i cant get rid of this feeling i need some crazy ass sex thaat goes exactly how i want it to and when i want it to i just need that girl that can handle it all and i mean it all i wanna give it to her like she never thought she could get it and then i am still going to take some more. well dam there i go again getting to far into things. i am just here in the house alone and dont know what to do with myself i just want to be higher but cant do that till tom morning i am really starting to like this living here in va thing i thought it was going to bring me bad news but the first day i was here i find the hook up and its a good one now i just need to find that girl that shares all these feelings with me and this place would be perfect for at least a little while where is my freaky ass pill addict girl at i would love to find her and turn her world out like it hass never been before well gonna go

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Date:2010-05-22 18:45

Well I have relapsed I guess.... yesterday I bought 8 IR 30oxycodone and done all them but 1 and a half and done them this mornin. I also done a Xanax bar and a methadone.... today I have done a xanax bar andd 2 and a half IR 30mg Oxycodone...

I don't know why I relapsed I guess I just wanted that feeling again. I had around 5 months clean but it happens. I have an 80mg oxy... I am gonna snort it later tonight may share with my boyfriend... I just want that narcotic nod feeling.

That is the feeling I chase....

Anyone else deal with this?

I just want to feel totally numb....

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Date:2010-05-22 18:13
Subject:I have pain too...

 Alright,  So I realized that my mom is in a lot of pain sometimes, but lately she has needed more pills to take her pain away.  I guess that is where the addict comes in.  She is in pain and she is an addict.  She asks me for pills and i give her half of mine.   I suffer for her, because I know I can go without sometimes.  I hate seeing my mom in pain.  It pains me to see her in pain.  You know I also don't like enabling and I also told her of the consequences that if she were to get a urine test they would definitely find my pills in her urine.  They are specific like that.  I know because they did one for me, and check every addictive substance known to man in my body, after I went through surgery and told my pain management doctor that I was given something for my surgery.  I came clean, but I told him that I had this procedure done and he could check with my doctor if he wanted.  

And even when I give her half of my pills it's not enough.  It really isn't.  She asks for more when she runs out and I tell her I need them for myself.  Luckily I'm moving out in two months so hopefully she can maybe, you know perhaps go without.  And I told her to ask for something to relieve her pain.  The doctor said he would let her see how this month goes and then get her something higher.  She acts as though I'm a villain if I don't give her my share.  I know I"m living under her roof right now and won't be for much longer, but she needs to understand that I am going through pain also as I've told her.  It may not seem like it because I exercise and go for 10 or 13 mile bike rides.  But I tell her it relieves stress and kills the pain sometimes.  

Personally I think she is depressed.  I don't know if there are intervention hotlines... I mean I don't want to go that far as to get her help that way.  But I don't know how do to do it.  She isn't proactive with her doctors like I am.  RIght now I feel cornered and she makes me feel really bad.  Sometimes it makes me feel like I should end my life.  

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Date:2010-05-14 15:37
Subject:Hello. Newbie here.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for here. I started a journal today because I had to get everything off my chest.

Anyway, hello. My name is Kimberly and I'm addicted to pain medication. I have been clean since May 7th (this year unfortunately). This time I'm really trying to give 100% because I want this to be the last time. I'm 24 years old and this has really screwed up my life. I'll start at the beginning... I had my gall bladder removed when I was 16 and I'm guessing somewhere around then I tried my first pill. Later on through the years, I stole pain medicine from my fiancee's stepfather who was literally dying of lung cancer. I even stole more after he died. I was then kicked out, still with fiancee (I'm so lucky to have him, I've walked over him so many times and he's still here). Later I found out I had female problems and I used this as an excuse to go to the ER (there was one week I went every other day). This is where I really messed up. I received a script for 15 lortabs. I drew two little lines on the prescription... changing it from 15 to 45, resulting on me currently being considered a felon (first offender, off record after probation) and having 3 years probation left. I straightened up a little, then I started a telemarketing job where it turns out, were a TON of pillheads. Got back into it. I was getting pills from my aunt one day when I asked her about meth. I didn't know she did it at present. She called me a week later and said, "hey I've got some of that. wanna try?" I blame myself and pills for this. I wouldnt have done that if I wasn't looking for pills. Soo,.. I did meth for about 3 months.. at the rate of someone who had been doing it for years. I broke up with my fiancee because in my state of insanity, I thought he was too controlling, when he really he was trying to help me. I wrecked my brand new car, totaled it. Lost my job. Lost my apartment. Moved back in with mom. Back with fiancee... doing pills again... worse now... I'm finally giving this my all because I'm tired of depending on pills to make me happy. (btw I havent done meth since all that back there). Pain meds are my drug of choice. I prefer a roxy but will settle for 3 lorcet 10s. You won't even know I've taken it.

I probably didn't make much sense with any of that, but in a nutshell, I'm an addict and I want to be clean. I'm tired of being a thief and a liar. I want to be the great person I thought I would be, and be the lover my fiancee deserves.

As I said before, I don't know what I'm looking for. Support? Stories of recovery? I dunno. Maybe just someone to say, yes, you can do this.

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Date:2010-03-27 23:43

after how depressed ive been today, realizing how much ive spent on my 3week binge of pills, ive been doing a lot of thinking.

well, as of right now, at this minute, this is what i have left:
5    2mg xanax bars
4     blue valiums
11   klonopins          

this is what i have left . i am about to go take some right now because ive decided that i'm not buying anything anymore, so i might as well take what i already bought. i just realized how sick i am, spending all of our familys money on pills that only make me feel good for a couple hours. ive been too tired and stressed out today to speak to my fiancee about everything. im sure he's noticed i've had a problem, he just hasn't confronted me yet. I MEAN, WHO WOULDNT NOTICE SOMEONE STANDING IN ONE SPOT FOREVER NODDING OUT AND STUMBLING without thinking they were messed up on somethin, right?

ok, well, hopefully he wont leave after i tell him tomorrow. but i just have to tell him. i mean, we only have $29 left in account so its bound to come out anyways.
god, please help me in this. i dont want to lose my family over stupid pills.


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Date:2010-03-27 15:17
Subject:i can't believe it.

wow i just did some thinking and reflecting and i'm even more depressed now than i've ever been.

i just realized that 3 weeks ago, I got my $4,100 tax return and its all gone now. I HAVENT EVEN PAID ALL THE BILLS I OWE YET. i feel so guilty and pissed and horrible right now.  i can't even tell how many times ive gone out and bought pills in the past 3 weeks. every chance I got to leave the house, I've been buying and buying and buying and buying.

i don't know how to tell my fiancee that all the tax return money is gone and we have all kinds of bills to pay.
because the bank account  is under my name, i'm the one who is in charge of all the money (i know, its horrible isn't it). 
just a couple days ago, my fiancee asked me how much we have in the account and i told him "I think around $3,000 ", cause its been awhile since ive actually checked the account.

i went to the bank today and got my balance........ $29.00 .
ive been crying all day long. i hate my self and i hate my life so much. sometimes i wish my fiancee was an addcit like me, so i wouldnt feel so guilty about hurting him so much. how am i going to tel him? how am i going to expain?? someone help me

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Date:2010-03-25 14:53
Mood: depressed

hi, my name is Natayle, i have two little girls, my own apartment, even a fiancee, but i have one big problem in my life that i can't control....im addicted to pills. so far my family doesn't  know but that's only because I've been hiding it carefully. The only ones who know are the ones who sell them to me. this is what i take almost everyday:
- percocets
- xanax
- klonopin
- valium
- lortabs

sometimes, ill find someone with oxycontin and that makes me so damn happy when i finally get them.....
a few weeks ago, a friend of mine (well, not friend, just person who sells me drugs), showed me how to inject codeine. now i can't stop thinking about that either.

i hate how much money i spend on all these drugs., but I CAN'T HELP IT! the first thing that pops in my head every morning i wake up is what and how much of it im going to take.

everytime i nod out and fall asleep, my fiancee wakes me up and asks me whats wrong but i tell him its just that im so tired, since we have a 1 month old baby. i hate lying to him. luckily, my little girls are only 2 year old and 1-month old, so they don't understand and see what i'm doing. i hate it SO MUCH, i feel so guilty. but i love it when i finally have the pills in my hand.

the bad thing is that im not even prescribed anything. i have to go out and look for these drugs. i get so depressed when i dont have anything. i dont know what to do.....

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Date:2010-03-14 03:10
Subject:depressed and withdrawing

Hi, I'm Sydnie and I'm 19.

I've been getting addicted to Oxycodone 30mgs for the last several months- I've been stealing them from my mom. on Thursday of last week, my mom and I had to put our most loving, sweetest dog down. it broke my heart. so, of course, I reverted to the pills.

which didn't last long; my mom found on on Monday or Tuesday when I had taken seven of them and had already popped five.

she gives them to me sometimes for back pain but I had a half of one last night and she told me 'no more for a week'. I can't steal them anymore because she's hidden them.

since my dog died and I've stopped these pills, I've been severely depressed. I've been trying to take Xanax to calm me down but it barely helps. I don't know what to do. if I could just have a pill every other day I would be fine. but of course I can't get any.

if anyone can offer any advice or support, I'd be very grateful. thanks for reading.

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Date:2010-02-03 22:10
Subject:New member;

New member post; haha.

My name is Irena. I've been addicted to pills for about 2 years now. Im currently 15 years old. I have struggled with panic attacks, and severe anxiety since I was a kid. This is mainly caused because I was teased a lot, and bullied in school about being foreighn (Im Croatian) and wasnt well accepted in a Catholic school enviroment. Even less in a public school enviroment. At about the time I was thirteen, I became increasingly anxious about going to school, and feared for my saftey at times. So I started with a couple Advil here, and some tylenol there, just to relieve some of the pain that came with my stress (Chest pains, stomach pains, head pains.)

And well, i just ended up using more and more.

I've gradually started to use more diverse pills, for example, I kept all the vicodins from whenever my parents or I had to go to surgery or to the hospital to treat some severe case of pain. And i've been using more and more painkillers. Aside from that, I've started in the recent months to become increasingly addicted to Xanax and Zoloft.

Im here for help and advice. Because I want to recover from this.
I want to be a strong person, and not rely on medication to get me through the day.
I want to conquer my anxiety and pain on my own, and not with extra help.

Thank you all in advance,

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Date:2009-11-20 12:57
Subject:Cross-posted from my journal OneWord (handle)
Mood: infuriated

(This is from www.oneword.com - a site where they give you one word to write whatever comes to your mind in 60 seconds. Since this was addiction related, I thought I'd share with the community.)

I wonder if giving up all of my addictions, all of my crutches, is more than I can handle. I miss them so much sometimes. They are a disfunctional way to deal, but way to deal they are. I can rely on God, and I really try to, but maybe I don't enough? It just seems like it's not enough because I fall into the pit of needing to use over and over again and it's such a fight it just throws me into darkness again and again. Some days it's a fight every single second. EVERY SINGLE SECOND.

Damn it, I hate the darkness.

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Date:2009-11-09 21:54

As my body was tossing and twitching on the couch last night, my mind was wandering the aisles of every pharmacy I've ever known.
    Like most of my dreams, these dreams were like dropcloths spattered with paint. There was no logic or narrative thread - just splotches of memory and spilled emotions.
    My drug dreams are all context and no story.
    I hear the sound of the pharmacist opening the Schedule II safe, hear the rummaging and the rattling. Then I hear the safe shut. For a moment I'm filled with dread waiting for someone to call my name and tell me the drug I need is all gone. Or I'm filled with dread when I hear someone pick up the phone. I look around for an escape route in case I'm suddenly accosted by police or DEA.
    Then I hear the rattle of pills being counted. I don't even need to see the process. Decades of experience have taught me not to look too anxious or impatient. 
    Best to stand nonchalantly gazing at the condoms and Astroglide. Or sit in the waiting area. I must remind myself not to sit on the edge of the chair or to grip the armrests.
    Whether they're using scales or counting, I KNOW the sound of my scrip being processed. The rattle. The weight. The size.
    "Yes, that sounds to me like 90 Ritalin SRs being dispensed."
    The cold sweat that's covering me starts to evaporate as I realize I'll soon be in possession of my pills, ripping the bag open and chewing a handful before I'm even out the door.
    So  I can get on with my life.
    The same dream repeats itself again and again. There's only a fleeting relief as I chew a mouthful of stimulants. Just like in real life.
    The irony is, I actually have ADD. I've got it bad. But decades have shown that I can't be trusted with stimulant meds, or any meds for that matter. I can eat enough rits - 500 milligrams or even close to 1,000 milligrams - to give a rhinoceros cardiac arrest, and still fall asleep in a couple of hours.
    I am a 48-year-old white male. How long have I been a drug addict? All my life.
And yesterday morning, my wife found a stash - my only stash, the motherlode. This is an event that seems to repeat itself, like my dream.
    To a non-addict, there was several months' worth of meds in the bag. To an addict like me, who never knew the meaning of "take as directed," there was maybe enough for a few days.
    So welcome to my nightmare.

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Date:2009-11-07 17:22
Subject:i havent used live journal in forever.

this morning ( os should i say 3 pm) i woke up to what felt like death.
freezing cold , but burning up ( i live in florida p.s its not cold) headache, nausea, entire body pain, and proceded to go to the bathroom and throw up everything i ate within two days ( which was not alot) and it was not even digested. does my body not work anymore?

i always used to do xanax , but it never did much because i have extreme anxiety and take meds for that already.
i was really interested in roxycodone when i did it with one of the closest people in my life to me, sort of like a soulmate.
i used to do 15 milligrams, and be all sorts of fucked up.
obv you know where this story is going because i know do up to 115 milligrams.
i need to stop. but when youre withdrawling all you want is for the pain to go away.
And for a girl who has always been self concious of her body, a roxy diet makes you lose quite a bit of weight. but it doesnt help when i have to use tons of makeup to cover the zits and sores from me picking at my face.
my boyfriend and i fight about money, and my addiction. and im getting close to the edge.
i came on here for friends, and support, and to listen to stories similar to mine.

thank you.

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Date:2009-11-06 22:25
Subject:still alive

Thanks so much to all yall who responded to my posts. I wanted to pop on real quick to say I made it through several days with no rits, no benzos, no nothing. I don't have time now to say how much your support means to me, I have to get up early in the morning and drive to a Punkin Chunkin tournament and wrote a story about that and be home in timne to see my daughter's marching band. I care deeply about you all, who cared deeply about me I'll be back!

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Date:2009-10-30 00:21
Subject:Hello Everyone

Hello everyone my name is Dustin.  I have been addicted to painkillers and Xanax for like four years.  I am a recovering addict right now.  I was just looking for friends on here who can provide support.  Comment on this entry if you add me to your friends list and I will add ya back :) 

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Date:2009-10-24 12:10
Subject:Robbie, posted to both community and own journal

So, Spent this rainy saturday morning with robbie, planned on finally getting mcdonals breakfast, however...dunkin was right near by, and not out of the way, so once again...another day missing mcdonals breakfast...not that I really care...I think its the hunt of reaching the impossible breakfast that is the most exciting aspect.  I think things with me and rob are going be ok.  We talked allot this morning.  His plans to drop L tonight, I said..ya know..I do want to hang out with you, is it going to be wierd hanging out with you carolyn and lisa if i'm staying clean.  He continued to say..Its just an odd thing...your surrounded by individuals who seem like they know a secret...and the one whos sober has no idea what the secret is..looking at a lampshade laughing...you being clean..have no idea why laughter exists...over the lampshade.  I just told him, I want to see my best friend..I doesn't matter what your mind frame is.  The only thing for me is that I know i'mpersonally to frightened to ingest it.  So, we made plans to have it a little more involved for the sober one.  Haunted house...lol..Ohh the trippers are going to geek out, but at least it will still seem interesting for me, I have no desire to take L....none what so ever.  I'm actually...thinking about bringing a psychology book from school...analyzing there trip.  I find myself In love with drugs even when i'm not consuming them.  The chemical reactions, the mind frame of individuals...its just such a strange place.  Even helping people get away from them.  the drug world is so vast that I find it consumes me in every way.  From recovery, to the economics, to the feeling itself.  I know that it's a dangerous place to venture into, but my curiosity now exists on a differant path.  I'm curious about the biological effects, I'm curious to know what kind of councelor I will be one day, proper tool to help recovery.  AA, NA, finding myself working the steps even tho it was not my intentions.  Is there any link between spirituality and a psychadelic trip...what will my sober thoughts on the drug be after seeing it for the first time as a spectator...I know a spectator isn't the best word to use for it.  For those of you reading this who have been through the programs.  I know there is always one aspect that I was told...and I never agreed with, and will never agree with.  And thats leaving those friends who are still using out of your life..Fuck no, blood is thicker then MDMA....and I believe me and some of my dear friends share one in the same heart, and I know if they were in the situation I am...then they would not want to leave me behind.  We talked today, me and Rob, talked of how E has hurt more then just my life, Dustin, shaina...Shainer fucking cut her wrists.  It makes me despise the drug, but increases my curiosity about the psychological, and biological effects.  I want to investigate.  But what rob said to me was.  Could you tell someone not to touch rolls (E for those of you unfamiliar with the term).  I said at this point in my recovery, I can't tell anyone not to do anything.  It's not my call.  All I can do is inform people of the long term effects that I personally have dealt with, and tell them the effects i've seen it take on dear friends.  I cannot take a decision for anyone else, but I can encourage a differant path.  I know i'm talking a thin line, but.  Maybe its something that i'd like to persue in and out.  i've certainly been in....now let me experiance the same show....only....from front row seats....with my psychology book i'm taking with me tonight.  Rob love philosophical, and intellegant conversation.  As do I.  When him and I get together its debates...he usually wins, bastard and his philosophy degree which teaches him how to proove others wrong.  I'll come equiped with text..lol...he'll come equiped with a current trip...and together...the conversation will be....either really insightful....or a blob...and i'll ruin his trip...I don't want to ruin his trip..L can be a scary drug.....But, maybe..it might go really well...I'll feel it out.  I just know..just for today, I will not use. 

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Date:2009-10-23 11:56
Subject:Sketchy, posted to myown journal, and this community

I'm not exactly sure why, but, it sounded like the right title for this entry.  I havn't been really working the steps..I'm thinking maybe it more of a personal choice, I know many people will swear by it....I guess it the whole higher power concept that gets me.  I remember one day, I was with Dani, Comming down from a roll...crashing I should say.  I remember putting my hands together and praying...and for the first time, it was something worth while to pray for. Not love, or success....it was for him to help take this addiction away from me, I did not want band practice, I just wanted time to myself!  The next day Band practice was cancelled, and a man showed up at my door with religeous pamphlets and books.  He was selling them of coarse, but one he gave to me for free...And it was this self help little book, with the teachings of christ.  WOAH!!  True story, I told him I was broke, but I did want to buy this healthy cooking book he had for sale for 35 bucks, so I told him to come back, guilty I avoided his knocks on my door.  But thats not the point of this.  I think that day I really started believing more in the presance of a higher power.  And here I am today.....clean......I didn't read the self help book, but I did pass it along to my good friend dill, and maybe that was my good dead, maybe he had had an experiance much like mine, and that was the way a higher power put belief into him.   I do like the steps on the basis that it doesn't say to follow any certain organized religion, just...a power of your own choosing.  Maybe, i'm subconciously working the steps.  The night when I asked for help...maybe that was step one, and maybe...I'm working on the whole....come to believe that a higher power could restore us to sanity aspect.  I think i'm working step two....but it was never my plan.  It wasn't even my plan for this journal to end up like this.  It just sort of developed.  I had originally planned to discuss the aspects of being a better person to those around, not being some fuck head the unknowingly harms those around himself.  I think i've been doing that for a long time now.  My thoughts were led to sarah, and how i'm the ass face for trying to get her back in my life,  Even tho I believe she is my soul mate...I do believe in a soul mate...1 fish...a million fish in the sea, but one fish for you...I have always believed that that was her, and blamed the area we lived in for our downfall...which I still do, but...whats the purpose in telling her I love her when she's moved on.  Maybe I should move on.  It's just my belief that she is the one person for me that pulls me back.  Her ad I always balanced each other out.  We....were one on the same, even tho our differances were vast...Somewhere along the lines I believe that we believed in the same morals, same concepts when it came to what we couldnt possibly understand, and the same morals when it came to helping one another, helping strangers...Making an impact on the world, and possibly saving someones life.  Her in the nursing field...mine, in my attempts to become an addictions councelor.  I believe her and I were meant to meet.  I believe that her and I are so close in this life, in our soul, in our hearts, that how could she not be the one for me.  Because, maybe i'm less successful...And I believe that has been whats destroyed us, success and the battles with addiction, and..who knows how many more issues, but at the same time...I feel a piece of her heart is inside me, and a piece on mine is inside her.  But where I was planning to go with this, is the fact that maybe being the better person is not causing harm, or uneasiness to matt, her new guy, he does allot for her....and he's a good guy, my involvment in there life just causes problems.  When I was with her, I wonder if her ex's ever considered that.  I'll always be your friend sarah, and maybe one day what I believe in my heart will come true, but i'm sick of causing problems, and I don't want to hurt anyone.  I've done enough hurting of people.  My family, my friends...and myself.  Somewhere along the road i'd like to rediscover innocense, but is that truly lost once we lose it?  And as far as the steps go..I think i'm doing this on my own with out much help, but maybe it worls for me.  As long as I can vent on here to certain friends, and this pill addicts group...shouldn't that be help for now...for right now whatever i'm doing is working!! It's working omg, that thought is endlessly happy.  And maybe with my sobriety..I will be endlessly happy

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Date:2009-10-14 20:40
Subject:days blur

Days blur into one long smear and the only feeling I can report is an intense emptiness in my gut. It's the same feeling of emptiness I've had all my life. The addict in me tells me 100 lies every hour about how I can't do my job (write) without an endless supply of rits. The other me is a voice that the wind carries away, It is weak and can't assert itself.

 Out of the blue I picked up  phone and called a fellow addict and we arranged to meet at a coffee place. The next two hours I was sick with anxiety, searching for ways to get out of it. But I went and we talked and when I came home I was sadder and more empty than ever. I wanted so bad to have what he has, I was ashamed to admit to myself that what I wanted more than anything else is truckloads and truckloads of pharmaceuticals.

I fell into a tearful depression I didn't see coming. My wife said she knew it was coming. I'm putting myself in her hands. It's a sadness brought on, I guess, by the realization that after a relapse, I have to get on with life.

I want to bring this new friend home and show him my world. I want his approval that there's hope for me.

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