New to community - intro post

Hello all, I am brand new to this community and have only read a few of your posts. I wanted to make an intro post though.
My name is Heather, and I am, and forever will be, addicted to the following drugs:
mj
vicodin
xanies (to a limited extent, not my favorites)
vicodin
oxies (bring em on!)
tramadol


I have a chronic pain condition due to a genitic bone disease called MHE - multiple hereditary exostosis - basically I have a LOT of extra bone growths all over my body. The ball of my hip, instead of being like a smooth ball, is basically like a fist, with little bone growths growing all over it. Because of this, my cartalidge is all hard, crystalized and fractured. But as I'm only 31 years old, they won't give me a hip transplant so I'm basiclly screwed.
They did do a surgery on my left hip in 2006, but since it didn't help me at all, they won't do anymore.

My drug of choice is oxycodone, and I got hardcore addicted to that in 2006 when my pain got unbearable and I started the surgeries. I basically haven't been off them since, until 2008 when I had a clean streak.
Before that happened, I had several doctor ordered rehab stints, but they were all outpatient, and I got my niece to pee in the cup for me while I got my oxies from different sources.

The habit hit its peak when I moved to the boonies and found a sympathetic doctor that felt sorry enough for me that he perscribed me a fentonol patch and 240 oxies a month (!). I couldn't control them. I was up to taking 30 a day, and so I gave the script to a friend of mine and she would dole out to me only the number I was allowed to have a day, and that was it and that was all, no matter how much I cried or whined or told her the world would END because I was in so much pain. I could NOT emotionally manipulate her to get more pills, and for that, I truely thank her.

But in October 2008, something potentially TRAGIC happened. Her 2 year old son got into the container she kept my pills in (one of those key chain things, not an actual pill bottle) and played with my remaining pills - there were about 60 of them left. THANK GOD that he only dumped them in the cat's water dish and tried to eat like 5 of them but spit them out.
BUT HE COULD HAVE DIED.
HE COULD HAVE DIED.
HE COULD HAVE DIED.
I COULD HAVE BEEN RESPONSIBLE FOR KILLING A TWO YEAR OLD CHILD.

And that was enough to scare me straight. I voluntarilly put myself on the redlist, I went to my doctor and told him I had a problem and needed to NOT have any more pain pills and not be perscribed them anymore. We needed to come up with a different way to treat my pain if I had an accute condition (like a kidney stone) and I needed to learn to just deal with my chronic pain condition.

I joined a recovery group in my church and was clean from October 18 2008 until about a month and a half ago.

I'm stubborn and had decided I was better and didn't need to go to group any more about 5 months ago (bad choice!). And then a month ago, my dog was perscribed Prednisone and Tramadol for his spinal degeneration. And I discovered that as long as he had his prednisone, he didn't need his Tramadol.
And it started out innocently enough. Just a trammy here and there, on the days that the pain was REALLY bad. But it fast esclited to taking 20 a day again, until his month and a half script was gone in like 20 days.

And I realized that I still have a huge problem.



So now I have 5 days clean, joined my church's recovery group again. I got a sponser (something I didn't have last time because there weren't enough people in group and I just didn't connect with any of them) and am going to start going to NA meetings. Cause I live in the boonies, there's only NA one night in the week, but with Recovery at church that means 2 nights.

Hopefully that'll be enough. I had almost a year last time, so if I keep with it, keep working the steps, and keep letting my sponser kick my ass, and with God's help, hopefully I'll stay sober this time.

I WILL STAY SOBER THIS TIME.





But that doesn't mean I'll be better. Like the previous poster said, I'll always be sick. When I have my 20 year chip, I still won't be able to have a whole bottle of oxies and be able to control taking them by myself. It's just never gonna happen for me, and that's something I'm working to accept.